"That's my secret Captain, I'm always angry." Were the words that Dr. Banner said as he walked towards the oncoming Gamma Monsters, about to transform into the Hulk.
I never saw myself as an angry person. I was the "peacemaker" in our home growing up. Everyone else had serious angry issues. I was the one trying to be really, really good and hope that everything would be ok if I could just be quiet and good. Even in my adult years I have been more of a peacemaker in situations. I continue to avoid conflict if at all possible. So why would I ever think that I am angry. I'm quiet and calm. I'm Dr Banner, not the Hulk.
One of the worst things that can happen to a victim of abuse, is to become an abuser. Today I was disciplining our dog for trying to bite my face. One hit became two. Raising my voice became shouting. Discipline turned violent. My husband quickly grabbed my arm. I turned in fury to meet a solid stare. Eventually my muscles released their tention, and I broke eye contact. I took a deep breath and broke out in sobs.
"Am I an abuser?"
I thought of what would have escalated if he was not there to stop me. I thought of how much force he used to stop my arm. I couldn't breathe. What if that was a child not a dog?
It made me think of how short tempered I have been with everyone lately. How bitter my words and attitudes are. I feel like I am Dr. Banner, always angry. I may never turn into the Hulk like some people with angry problems do, but I am always angry just the same. Perhaps it is time to look inside and dissipate some of this anger. Just because it is invisible (although it really isn't fully invisible) does not mean it isn't hurting me (and potentially others).
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