A Different Shade of Darkness

Sometimes I get to these really tough spots in life and bitterness pours out of my heart. Why am I here...again? Not that I am again in the same situation, but that I am again in a very dark place that I don't want to be and am not quite sure what I did to deserve to be there. Currently I am in one of those places. This time it is lasting longer than desired (not that I desire it at all). Every time I think that this season of darkness I am in is about to turn a corner, another bomb drops and I am once again surrounded by darkness.

Its just another shade of darkness.

I always thought that I could be content in everything. I have been content in much worse than most could ever be. I have seen more than most can imagine. Once in a while, I break. I throw a mini tantrum and I cry "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? When is it going to get better? Will it ever get better?". Then my husband dries my tears, picks up my chin, and tells me "Its gonna be ok." I take a deep breathe, push through a smile, and trust him even though I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

One thing I have learned to be grateful for (in fact I speak my gratitude for this almost daily) is how well we handle what life has thrown our way. On the one hand I am sad, scared, and frustrated. On the other I am in love, determined, and embracing life for what it is. We laugh as much as some couples we know fight. Even though it isn't perfect, we calmly (most of the time) look at the facts and deal with the situation the best we can. No phones for a month, ok we will make do. No car insurance, ok we will just drive super safe and pray no one hits us. No time to see each other, ok I will drive you to work so we can catch up (or go out for a drink after work even though I'm exhausted physically). Character comes out in times of testing and darkness. Its not about learning things through this trial (although I do learn things) a test is all about showing what you have learned in the past. This test is showing the fruit of what we have put into our lives and our character over the years. I must say, as difficult as it is to face the mirror somedays, there is definitely some deep down character that is proving to be well worth the time.

So as I let my eyes adjust to this new shade of darkness, I dig down deep for that character that I have built over the years. Then I see areas where I lack, and I decide to build character there for the next shade.