A Different Shade of Darkness

Sometimes I get to these really tough spots in life and bitterness pours out of my heart. Why am I here...again? Not that I am again in the same situation, but that I am again in a very dark place that I don't want to be and am not quite sure what I did to deserve to be there. Currently I am in one of those places. This time it is lasting longer than desired (not that I desire it at all). Every time I think that this season of darkness I am in is about to turn a corner, another bomb drops and I am once again surrounded by darkness.

Its just another shade of darkness.

I always thought that I could be content in everything. I have been content in much worse than most could ever be. I have seen more than most can imagine. Once in a while, I break. I throw a mini tantrum and I cry "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? When is it going to get better? Will it ever get better?". Then my husband dries my tears, picks up my chin, and tells me "Its gonna be ok." I take a deep breathe, push through a smile, and trust him even though I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

One thing I have learned to be grateful for (in fact I speak my gratitude for this almost daily) is how well we handle what life has thrown our way. On the one hand I am sad, scared, and frustrated. On the other I am in love, determined, and embracing life for what it is. We laugh as much as some couples we know fight. Even though it isn't perfect, we calmly (most of the time) look at the facts and deal with the situation the best we can. No phones for a month, ok we will make do. No car insurance, ok we will just drive super safe and pray no one hits us. No time to see each other, ok I will drive you to work so we can catch up (or go out for a drink after work even though I'm exhausted physically). Character comes out in times of testing and darkness. Its not about learning things through this trial (although I do learn things) a test is all about showing what you have learned in the past. This test is showing the fruit of what we have put into our lives and our character over the years. I must say, as difficult as it is to face the mirror somedays, there is definitely some deep down character that is proving to be well worth the time.

So as I let my eyes adjust to this new shade of darkness, I dig down deep for that character that I have built over the years. Then I see areas where I lack, and I decide to build character there for the next shade.

Burnout & Bruises

My first week here in Fort Worth I went to church with my husband. He had been there before and was excited to return now that I had moved into town. I walked in and bee-lined for the bathrooms (as I usually did when attending church so that I would not have to interact with anyone before the service began) but I stopped short when I realized the service had already begun. I turned to comment to my husband about where to sit, when I realized I had left him at the front door where a greeter had welcomed him and I (unbeknown to me because of my one track mind). I back stepped and returned her friendly smile. Soon I was greeted by several other women and we entered the sanctuary as they helped us find a seat. The pastor was standing in the back and recognizing my husband pointed to me and gave that look of "you're the person I'm thinking you are...right?". He assured me he was glad that I was there and had a book he wanted to give me before I left that day. After an entire service without and anxiety attack we stayed in the loby long enough to meet some people from the young adults group and get invited to their home that evening (and we actually went and enjoyed it). As he sped through the crowd in the loby, greeting and smiling at members of his congregation, pastor again assured me not to leave without seeing him first. After our conversation with the young couples was through he brought me this book:  

Mad Church Disease by: Anne Jackson

My eyes filled up with tears as I received a gift from this complete stranger who knew nothing about me except that I had once been in ministry and now had a hard time even attending church (and what ever other details my husband had previously shared with him). It felt like the beginning of hope. 

Three weeks later it remains on the pile of papers next to our bed.

Tonight I finally picked it up. I have only read the first section, but it sounds as if I could have written the back story. Now to find out what the end of her story looks like, 

because right now I could use some hope and revelation in mine. 

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well, Sunday I moved to Fort Worth to join my husband. Monday morning I shrieked with delight as we went to the mall (less than 5 minutes away), it was a REAL mall. As much as I enjoyed the quiet, I'm so glad to be in a CITY! Within 2 days I had a job interview and things were looking up. FINALLY a light at the end of the tunnel. Getting back on our feet was within reach. Then, like a slap in the face, the tunnel caved in. An hour before I started my new job, my husband received a voicemail saying he had been terminated. No good explanation. No warning. No second chance. My heart fell through my stomach as a million things spun through my mind. Why? What the heck God? Things were just starting to look up. I should have known better than to hope.
I know we are never dropped. Like I said an hour later I started my new job. It will not as big of an income, but it is something. I just want to know what the lesson is that I need to learn. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, am I strong enough yet? This learning process is about killing me, but I KNOW that I KNOW it is for a reason. Accepting the unchangeable with grace is my current task. May it come with more ease as time passes.